Jokes from the US

[Masked Marvel]

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his
friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a
big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied. 'A talking
clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend. 'Yup,' replied the
drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it. 'Watch,' the drunk
replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering
pound, and stepped back. .

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You
asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'

[69jme69]

G.W Bush :laugh:

[paraletic]

G.W Bush :laugh::hail::D

[blackie]

J Arthur Rank , i thought

[blackie]

Stephen Hawkings girlfriend has just dumped him because she did,nt like his tone........:lol2:

[Steve748]

President Bush decides to leave the White House and go out to sit in a local bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?'

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'

Bush says, 'I'm planning WW III.'

The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?'

Bush turns to the bartender and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a @@@@ about the 140 million Muslims!'

[rockjock620]

first time I've come across a yank with a sense of humour :D

[69jme69]

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

:confused: :confused: :confused:

[ducati girl]

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Come on - tell us???? :comp2:

[rockjock620]

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

twice the square root of the speed of light, inverted of course, and an error calculation for the speed of rotation of the earth, dpends which way you're firing it though.

[duncthediver]

twice the square root of the speed of light, inverted of course, and an error calculation for the speed of rotation of the earth, dpends which way you're firing it though.


Try this:D


http://www.freakface.com/speedofdark/#Theory%201

[duncthediver]

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

You can see what you've written:D

[blackie]

What the center of farthest from ?

[duncthediver]

What the center of farththest from ?

If i told you that i would have to kill ya:D

[duncthediver]

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

All Barbies friends buy Barbie:D

[Big k]

If you melted dry ice could you swim in it with out getting wet ?????

[winston]

From Duncthediver's link

"Lets venture into the mystical world of photons, darkons and dark-suckers"

Yes Please.

[Biscuit]

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.

oooh, any pics :)

[69jme69]

:laugh: nice one

[rockjock620]

escalators :D

[ProjectImola004]

...this is one of the best threads we've had on the forum for ages!!!! :D

I've spent the day in an all day management conference and coming up to the hotel room and reading these jokes was just what I needed. blo0dy fantastic!!! :D :D

...there was a fight down the road at the local fish & chip shop, two fish got battered and the others got off with cuts and bruises!!! :o sorry, it's been a long day!!!!

[69jme69]

wot do you call a scotsman thats nearly home hame-ish

[Big k]

What do you call a 3ft west indian...........



A Yardie:lol2: :lol2: :lol2:

[Masked Marvel]

An Englishman, Irishman and Mad Dash went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. Whilst walking around the course the Englishman's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling, " she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices." With that the Englishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a tenner, go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers.

Two holes further on the Irishman's wife caught her foot on a mole hill, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her lack of nether garments. "Well darling," she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices."

With that the Irishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a fiver go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."

Three holes further on the Mad Dash's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she too wasn't wearing any knickers! The Scotsman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her inadequacy in the modesty department. "Well darling," she explained, "you spend so much money on your Ducatis and give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices."

With that the Mad Dash thrust his hand into his pocket and said "Here's a comb, at least you can tidy yourself up a bit!"

[bobsyeruncle]

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

[Masked Marvel]

Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?" "Jes' some chickens." "If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?" "Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!"

[bobsyeruncle]

A Mother had three virgin daughters. They were all getting married, and mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started. She made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex was going.

The first daughter sent a card from her honeymoon in Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". At first mom was puzzled, but she went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good til the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent her card from Vermont a week after the wedding. The card said only: "Benson & Hedges". Mom went to the drawer where her husband kept his cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size". Again mom was slightly embarrassed, but she was happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Mom started to get really worried. Then after a month, the card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky hand writing were the words "British Airways".

Mom took out her latest Harpers Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mom fainted ....

[bobsyeruncle]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny to answer. He replies, "There are none left - they all fly away with the first gun shot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one thats gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."

[bobsyeruncle]

A young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.

"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna be weighed," she said.

So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.

"One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

"I wanna be weighed," she said.

He really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"

"Wousy," said the girl.

[Masked Marvel]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny to answer. He replies, "There are none left - they all fly away with the first gun shot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one thats gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.":D :D :D :D :D :D :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Masked Marvel]

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

[Masked Marvel]

Things not to say to a cop:
Sorry I was speeding officer but I reached over to get my bag of crack and my gun fell out of my holster and got lodged in-between the brake and gas pedal forcing me to speed out of control. There's no need to search the trunk!

[Masked Marvel]

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it

[bobsyeruncle]

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it

what kinda golf clubs you got?

[Masked Marvel]

what kinda golf clubs you got?
Mizuno MP33

[pibbow]

Mizuno MP33

Wooosh over the head!:D :D

[pibbow]

what kinda golf clubs you got?

Nice one:D

[rockjock620]

Royal Lytham, Birkdale, The Belfry, St. Andrews and a few more I forget.

[Masked Marvel]

Wooosh over the head!:D :D

@@@@@@@s!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:D

[Masked Marvel]

Sue Ellen passed away so Billy Bob called 911. The operator promised to send someone out immediately and asked him where he lived.

"Right at the end of Eucalyptus Road," Billy Bob replied.

"Could you spell that for me please?" the operator asked.

After a very lengthy pause Billy Bob said, "How 'bout I just drag her on over to Pine Street and y'all can pick her up there?"

[Masked Marvel]

Special Bulletin from the Pentagon

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the "United States Redneck Special Forces".

These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

[CJK]

The Irish have solved the fuel problems. They have bought 5 million tons of sand from the Arabs and they are going to drill for their own oil!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------


A couple is bored senseless while watching TV.

Suddenly the guy says: Sweety: tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.

She says: You've got the biggest dick of all your friends...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------


Guy says to his wife: darling, what would you do if i said i've won the lottery? Wife replies: i'd take half, then leave you. Guy says: excellent! I had 3 numbers and won a tenner. Here's a fiver - now f#ck off!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------


3 bodys turn up at mortuary all with smiles on their faces.
Cop asks coroner, "why are they all smiling?" Coroner says "
1st guy died of heart attack shaggin his wife, hence his smile.
2nd guy won lottery, spent it on whisky & died of alcohol poisoning, hence his smile.
3rd guy was unusual - Paddy from Belfast, struck by lightening!"
Cop asks "why the f#ck was he smiling?"
Coroner replies,
"He thought he was having his photo taken!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------


A magician & his beautiful assistant are doing a live show in Glasgow.
Part of the show featured a section were an audience member is invited onto the stage to perform their own trick.
A wee man clambers onto the stage & says,"For ma trick,am gonna have to borrow your lovely missus."
The guy whips off her skirt,pulls her pants down & starts to shag her from behind.
Raging,the magician screams:"What the hell are you up to?That's not a trick!"The wee man says"
no but its f***ing magic!

[Masked Marvel]

The Irish have solved the fuel problems. They have bought 5 million tons of sand from the Arabs and they are going to drill for their own oil!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------


A couple is bored senseless while watching TV.

Suddenly the guy says: Sweety: tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.

She says: You've got the biggest dick of all your friends...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------


Guy says to his wife: darling, what would you do if i said i've won the lottery? Wife replies: i'd take half, then leave you. Guy says: excellent! I had 3 numbers and won a tenner. Here's a fiver - now f#ck off!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------


3 bodys turn up at mortuary all with smiles on their faces.
Cop asks coroner, "why are they all smiling?" Coroner says "
1st guy died of heart attack shaggin his wife, hence his smile.
2nd guy won lottery, spent it on whisky & died of alcohol poisoning, hence his smile.
3rd guy was unusual - Paddy from Belfast, struck by lightening!"
Cop asks "why the f#ck was he smiling?"
Coroner replies,
"He thought he was having his photo taken!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------


A magician & his beautiful assistant are doing a live show in Glasgow.
Part of the show featured a section were an audience member is invited onto the stage to perform their own trick.
A wee man clambers onto the stage & says,"For ma trick,am gonna have to borrow your lovely missus."
The guy whips off her skirt,pulls her pants down & starts to shag her from behind.
Raging,the magician screams:"What the hell are you up to?That's not a trick!"The wee man says"
no but its f***ing magic!


:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[Masked Marvel]

Hello, is this the police?"

"Yes, what do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, cops descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the police come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, Buddy!"

[Masked Marvel]

A hillbilly girl asks her mom, "If you swallow sperm, is that how you get pregnant?" Mom says, "No baby. That's how you pay rent!":D

[Blind Alan]

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.




The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on .




The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of no where through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.




Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.




A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.



Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...



'Look Paddy.....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

[Masked Marvel]

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.




The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on .




The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of no where through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.




Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.




A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.



Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...



'Look Paddy.....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!':doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[bobsyeruncle]

apparantly there are 4 types of orgasm.......

Positiveyes, yes, yes,

negativeno, no, no,

Religiousoh god, i'm coming

Fakedoooh, Masked marvel!

:D

[Masked Marvel]

apparantly there are 4 types of orgasm.......

Positiveyes, yes, yes,

negativeno, no, no,

Religiousoh god, i'm coming

Fakedoooh, Masked marvel!

:D

I do what I can!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:D

[Masked Marvel]

Most women will fake orgasm for a relationship.

Most men will fake relationship for orgasm!!

[Masked Marvel]

Three hillbillies were sitting on the porch. The first hillbilly said "My wife is so dumb, yesterday she drug home a brand new washer and dryer, and we ain't even got electricity!" The second hillbilly said "My wife is stupider than yers, yesterday she brings home a new dishwasher, and we ain't even got runnin water!"

The third hillbilly said "My wife is even stupider! Yesterday I was in the kitchen and I saw her purse on the table. Everything was spilled out of it and there was a bunch of rubbers layin there... and she ain't even got a dick!"

[Masked Marvel]

So, this guy walks into the doctors office with a frog on his head. The doctor asks, "So, what's wrong with you?" The frog says, "It all started with this lump on my ass!":D

[Blind Alan]

Jokes for brave men.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[Masked Marvel]

Holy Crap!!!!!! Someone is going to be in trouble with the girls!?!?!?!?!?

[paraletic]

What a Woman Wants in a Man

What I Want In A Man, Original List ... (at age 22)
-----------------------------------
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 32)
-----------------------------------
1. Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 42)
----------------------------------
1. Not too ugly - bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 52)
----------------------------------
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 62)
----------------------------------
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Doesn't forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 72)
----------------------------------
1. Breathing

OR NOT......:D :D :D

[alane]

Stephen Hawkings ...........:lol2:

Jeeez, Saw him on telly t'other night where he gave a 2 hour lecture. That guy is a bloody good ventriloquist

[alane]

What's the difference between an oral and an anal thermometer?

the taste

[alane]

English, French and Scottish men bragging about who is best lover.
English: "when I make love to my wife I give her at least 3 orgasms. With the first she loses her breath, with the second she arches her whole body and with the third she screams and her body jumps a full foot into the air.
French: "when I make love to my wife her back arches, her eyes roll back and she screams for heaven. Her whole body shakes and she lifts at least a yard off the bed"
Scottish: "When I have made love to my wife, I pull away, wipe my cock on the curtains and she hits the fecking roof"